Fears...

Fears...I think I have ALLOW/ed fear to rule my life. From my fear of Lauren dying to being truly happy with myself, fear controls most things I do in life. I'm so afraid of all the what-ifs that I have decided to let life pass me by. So much of my life I stood in the "background" ...not standing out...not succeeding in what I really wanted. It is sad to be 31 and know what my passion in life is but also not to follow it in a professional manner. My fear is what happens if I fail. I have already decided before I even started that I will fail. Such a sad thing. That thought process doesn't make sense and needs to be changed. I hope I have/will encourage my kids to have the courage to do what they are truly passioniate about.

I know this may sound weird but I think what I fear the most is success. I think I self-sabotage b/c I am afraid of what would happen if I succeeded. What would life be like? Would I truly be happy then? What would happen if I did all that work and still didn't look the way I wanted? I know my perfectionism sometimes takes over my rational thinking. I know this doesn't make sense but I am so afraid that I will not look the way I want to. I have this idea of what I want to look like and be able to wear. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. At times I will tell myself 40 pounds is good enough. I need to stop that way of thinking. 40 pounds was a short term goal. It wasn't/isn't my long term goal. It is a great thing that I lost 40 pounds but I deserve the other 70 pounds. I deserve to walk into any store put on a pair of jeans and not feel like I look like a cow in them. I also think that most of who I am is so entangled with being overweight that the fear of not knowing who I am without the weight is somewhat scary. No one wants to be describe as the "overweight girl" or the "big girl" but it becomes so much of who we are that it becomes a part of us. I think letting go of that person and staying focused on my goals will help.

I think it is of the upmost importance to have a goal. A defined goal of what I want but more importantly what I need. I need to be healthy for my kids sake. I need to be 100% for them. but I also need to realize I need to be 100% for me. I need to realize that I am worth it and I deserve it. I think for so long I have thought that I didn't deserve to be happy. I don't know where this thought process came from but it isn't founded in truth. I honestly want to let go of the negative thinking and self-sabotage.

I think before I started all this, I didn't realize how much positive thinking would impact my success. To be perfectly honest I didn't understand why people did positive affirmations. I thought it was a little silly. BUT it has really helped me keep going when exercising. When I wanna give up and stop b/c it hurts I tell myself I can do this and I will succeed. I know it sounds silly but pushing myself has made me feel better. It definitely boosts your esteem when you succeed at what you are doing and don't give up. I have to believe I can do this or I will convince myself not to. I WILL CONVINCE myself that I am not worth it. I have the power to decide if I succeed or if I fail..no one else. Today and everyday I have to decide that I am worth it.