To see oneself for who you truly are...that is the beauty

I think there comes a point in time that you begin to realize who you truly are...the good...the bad..the misunderstood...it can be so confusing at times but yet freeing but yet paralyzingly scary. It makes you want to run and hide when you are, finally,raw with yourself...no excuses...no doubting...no negative talk...or maybe just maybe your just honest, with yourself, for once. It feels as if everything has been stripped away. Your sitting in the corner of your mind...in the fetal position waiting for the storm to pass because your so frightened people will finally see you for who you really are. They will see the lies, the pain, the hurt, the scars...but mostly they will see you. They will see you in the flesh...stripped down to the bones of your soul and you wonder...no your terrified that they will walk away.

I ponder if this fear(or all the things I fear)is why I am here...scared to step on a machine to tell me that once again I failed. I failed at so many things in life that I think that is where I feel the most comfortable. It pisses me off that I find solace in failure. I sit here with tears rolling down my face because this revelation pisses me off...and at the same time motivates me.  I'm mad at myself because I know what I'm doing is making me sicker and sicker. Everyday I wake up in pain...I spend the day in pain...I fall asleep in pain...not emotional pain but physical pain.  I think the only person who truly knows how much physical pain I am in is Sean. I know what the reason maybe for the pain...or reasons but I have chosen to ignore it.

The stress of my life is incredible...most would be an emotional mess...but to be honest there's no time to fall apart..not to say I don't cry or haven't cried about it but I know that at the end of the day it will still be this incredibly stressful life..nothing will have changed so I CHOOSE to see the beauty in it. So today I am choosing not to fail...I'm choosing to stop eating gluten for 2 weeks to see if my stomach heals and my body stops hurting 24/7. I want to blog everyday about this to see if I notice a   difference. I took a questionnaire about gluten sensitivity and I had all but the one symptom...depression. I honestly don't believe my pain comes from depression or anxiety....I believe that the  pain in my stomach and the pain in my joints/muscles are due to IBS/Fibromyalgia which is caused   by this gluten sensitivity...I want to feel like I'm 33 not 73 and I'm hoping not eating gluten will help that.

stressed....

Stress has caused me to loss my focus. I have gotten myself in a funk and have allowed the circumstances around me to interfere with me staying focused on my goals. So much of my life is out of control right now...my eating is one of them. I feel like life is so overwhelming most of the time lately and not knowing what is going to happen is driving me crazy. It has turned into me eating things I know I shouldn't. I am looking to food to help sooth my nerves and give me a sense of what is normal or should I say what was normal in the past. I need a sense of renewal I guess or I just need to go back to what I was doing. I think I need to start writing down what I am eating again so that I will be accountable for what I am doing. I think I am also going to check out Zumba. I am hoping I really like it. Hopefully I can put my big girl panties on and just deal with life as it comes...no matter how scary that is.

The payoff and determination!!!

I am thrilled to say I have reached my first major goal. My first major goal at my doctor's office was for me to lose 42 pounds. I have met that goal and have kept going. I have little goals of losing at least 10-12 pounds per a doctors visit but the nurse set my first goal for 42 pounds. My doctor's appt isn't till the 15th so it feels good to have met it before the appt. It feels so good to have met this goal. Of course I know I have a long way to go but today is definitely a win.
I think in some ways it has kind of renewed my commitment to eating healthy and being healthy. No more eating things I know I am not supposed to, I am going to work out at least 5 times this week, and back to drinking water. I still haven't had soda but have been drinking sugar free juices. I am "allowed" to drink them but I haven't been drinking water like I am supposed to. I refuse to let anything get in the way of it this week. I refuse to let the stress of what is going on around me affect my eating habits this week. Hope other's will join me this week. Let me know and we can support each other through it.

Fears...

Fears...I think I have ALLOW/ed fear to rule my life. From my fear of Lauren dying to being truly happy with myself, fear controls most things I do in life. I'm so afraid of all the what-ifs that I have decided to let life pass me by. So much of my life I stood in the "background" ...not standing out...not succeeding in what I really wanted. It is sad to be 31 and know what my passion in life is but also not to follow it in a professional manner. My fear is what happens if I fail. I have already decided before I even started that I will fail. Such a sad thing. That thought process doesn't make sense and needs to be changed. I hope I have/will encourage my kids to have the courage to do what they are truly passioniate about.

I know this may sound weird but I think what I fear the most is success. I think I self-sabotage b/c I am afraid of what would happen if I succeeded. What would life be like? Would I truly be happy then? What would happen if I did all that work and still didn't look the way I wanted? I know my perfectionism sometimes takes over my rational thinking. I know this doesn't make sense but I am so afraid that I will not look the way I want to. I have this idea of what I want to look like and be able to wear. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. At times I will tell myself 40 pounds is good enough. I need to stop that way of thinking. 40 pounds was a short term goal. It wasn't/isn't my long term goal. It is a great thing that I lost 40 pounds but I deserve the other 70 pounds. I deserve to walk into any store put on a pair of jeans and not feel like I look like a cow in them. I also think that most of who I am is so entangled with being overweight that the fear of not knowing who I am without the weight is somewhat scary. No one wants to be describe as the "overweight girl" or the "big girl" but it becomes so much of who we are that it becomes a part of us. I think letting go of that person and staying focused on my goals will help.

I think it is of the upmost importance to have a goal. A defined goal of what I want but more importantly what I need. I need to be healthy for my kids sake. I need to be 100% for them. but I also need to realize I need to be 100% for me. I need to realize that I am worth it and I deserve it. I think for so long I have thought that I didn't deserve to be happy. I don't know where this thought process came from but it isn't founded in truth. I honestly want to let go of the negative thinking and self-sabotage.

I think before I started all this, I didn't realize how much positive thinking would impact my success. To be perfectly honest I didn't understand why people did positive affirmations. I thought it was a little silly. BUT it has really helped me keep going when exercising. When I wanna give up and stop b/c it hurts I tell myself I can do this and I will succeed. I know it sounds silly but pushing myself has made me feel better. It definitely boosts your esteem when you succeed at what you are doing and don't give up. I have to believe I can do this or I will convince myself not to. I WILL CONVINCE myself that I am not worth it. I have the power to decide if I succeed or if I fail..no one else. Today and everyday I have to decide that I am worth it.

Balancing Act..

I think one of the hardest thing as a mom is balancing everything. Sometimes we feel like a chicken running around with our heads cut-off. We were many "hats". We are definitely the cornerstone of the home. Somedays I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions. I usually end up being my last priority. Between taking care of the house and the kids I am sometimes too tired to take care of me. I know part of this lifestyle change will be finding the balance with everything.

Balancing time management...
I forced myself to step on the scale this morning and found I had lost another pound. Which is good but I know I could have done better. I was worried b/c I haven't been exercising everyday like I should be. It seems so hard to get to the gym lately. I tell myself excuses why I can't go instead of just going. To be perfectly honest, I have the time to go. Sean's has been home in time for me to go. I just can't seem to find the motivation to get up and go. Seems like everything else gets in the way of me going. It is too hot to walk outside during the middle of the day. I really just need to force myself into going!! I need to manage my time better.

Balancing what I eat...
I must confess...I haven't been eating the way I am supposed to. I haven't really had cravings but just want things I am not supposed to eat. I am "allowed" one cheat food a week. I find ways to justify what I want to eat at the time. Right now money is VERY tight for us. More so then it has ever been. Healthy food is more expensive so I justified buying the junk instead. I can't wait till my garden really starts going. We have alot of stuff budding but haven't had a whole lot yet. This will help save some money. I need to find a site that will help me make meals that are cheap but healthy. If anyone has any suggestions please post them. I still haven't had soda. It's been over 4 months. I miss it sometimes but know that I will be better off without it. As I have thought about this whole diet thing, I came to the conclusion that I need to find balance in food. I can't deny myself everything and then when I get to my goal weight eat all the things I have missed. I will just ended up back being overweight. I have to accept that this is a LIFESTYLE change. I can't go back to eating the way I was. Almost every morning I would drop my girls off at school and then go through a drive-thru for breakfast. Then again for lunch. I can't go back to eating that way ever again. Not to say I can never have fast food again b/c I have had it off and on since I started this. I just have to make different choices. I eat grilled chicken instead of fried or a hamburger. I eat a salad or soup instead of fries. I think one of the myths about overweight people is they gorge themselves with food. This maybe true for some of them but for me it has always been my food choices. When I have watched what thin people eat, I haven't noticed that I eat anymore than they do. It is the food I am eating. I choose fast food b/c that is what we ate when I was growing up. This brings me to one of the things I am having the hardest time mentally trying to balance...

Balancing what is good for my kids to eat without feeling guilty...
This is the hardest for me. I want my kids to have a "normal" childhood...as normal as it can be for us. I have this tremendous guilt b/c things in our household are so not the norm. How many other children include a feeding pump in their imaginary play? I want them to have normal foods like other children have. Lauren has food limitations so she will never have some of the things normal kids do. This has been hard on her lately which breaks my heart. I want them to make healthy food choices in life. I don't want them to ever experience being overweight. Sean and I both have struggled with our weight and we don't want that for them. All three of them are within normal weight ranges but I was the same way till I went through puberty. Everytime Kadian asks for 2nds of something I worry. I don't wanna tell her no if she is still hungry. I'm not sure how to balance all of this. They are aware mommy is on a diet and trying to lose weight. I worry also that they will have issues with body image. I don't want them to worry about their weight at such a young age but I also don't want them to be overweight when they get older. I've tried to talk to them about eating healthy instead of saying the word "diet" . I want to make sure I keep things balanced for them. I want them to eat healthy but I also want them to be able to have treats every now and then. I am not sure if this is my emotional attachment to food that is talking though.

UGH!!

So I was watching Rachael Ray earlier today. The show was about picking clothes that are sexy for plus size women. There's not a whole lot choices out there for people that are overweight. Most of the places have clothes that look like they're for older women or they're way over priced. It can be rather frustrating.

She had 3 overweight women(I didn't catch what size all 3 were but 1 was a 22 and was a 24..so none of them were anywhere close to being a healthy weight) they were dressing. Here is what got me. One of the women said she had 3 kids and "earned her curves". Are you kidding me?? Please tell me you are!! How exactly do you "earn curves"? Sorry you didn't "earn" them. By using the word earn that means you worked towards this. I don't know why anyone would have worked to being unhealthy. Using pregnancy is just an excuse that we really need to do away with if we want to move forward. You WERE pregnant. Your supposed to gain SOME weight during pregnancy but once you are no longer pregnant it is just an excuse. My youngest children are 5 now. I am not fat now b/c I was pregnant 5 years ago.

Let me say this...I am in no way saying that being skin and bones is healthy either. I'm not trying to say that everyone should be a size 0 b/c even someone that skinny CAN be unhealthy. What I am saying is that we need to be honest as to what is really going on. We need to stop sugar coating everything. We need to stop lying to ourselves and others. We need to step back and look at things honestly.

Why the blog...

I decided to create this blog to share MY journey as I try to lose weight. These are my own raw and honest feelings why I and so many other people are overweight. I have also included the excuses(one's we tell ourselves and one's we tell society), the myths, and has WORKED for me. *My disclaimer*-these are my opinions and beliefs...always check with a DR before starting a diet.

We are what we eat...
How many times has that statement been said? Did it make you stop and think? Probably not b/c we let so many excuses stand in our way of being happy and healthy. I think we need to stop and think about we are eating. I am overweight b/c I put high fat,high carb(simple carbs), red meat, high sugar garbage in my body. I nor any other overweight person is fat b/c they ate whole grains, complex carbs, vegetables, fruits, and lean protein. I have also heard it's the food producers fault...after all they put high fructose corn syrup in everything. YES they do put corn(HFCS) in EVERYTHING but YOU ultimately decide what you put in your body. They also put large amounts of salt and fats in most things we eat..especially when it comes to processed foods. Losing weight requires that we turn the package over and read the nutritional information.

Emotional eating...
Some of us are what's eating us..maybe more so than what we are eating. Emotional eating plagues most overweight people. I think most of us have at some point realized why EXACTLY we are overweight. We know what moment changed everything for us. There's a reason why I choose to be overweight(and yes I said "I choose"). There's a reason why I eat to the point I feel sick. There's a reason why I let the excuses get in the way of TRULY being happy. Most overweight people say "I am happy"..."I love myself"..."it's society's fault because they view thin as being beautiful". I wasn't happy and after losing 40 pounds(I need to lose 110lbs total)I am still not where I want to be.

But I am happy...
Being unhealthy, having trouble walking up a single flight of stairs, having to sit down constantly is not happiness. Finding comfort and acceptance in food, is not happiness. Happiness is not having blood pressure that is so high you need to be on medication(s). Happiness is not being on insulin or pills to lower your blood sugar b/c you have type 2 Diabetes. Happiness isn't worrying whether or not you can fit on an amusement ride or an airplane seat. Happiness isn't being upset b/c your so overweight you cannot find a dress to wear for the office Christmas party(or any other time you have to buy clothes.UGH!!). As a society we have just accepted when overweight people say they are happy. We say things like "that if society would just accept us as we are we would be happy"..."that curves are beautiful". We have convinced people that we are happy and feel good about ourselves. Sorry there is a difference between curves and rolls. I'm not saying this to hurt people's feelings(I also have rolls) but b/c we need to stop accepting that being overweight is okay. Heart disease is the #1 KILLER of women not cancer!! Something that we can prevent!!! A person that is overweight is putting a HUGE strain on their heart and other organs. Yes at 18 or 25 years old you may not have symptoms of heart disease but unless you loss weight you will. A large percentage of people don't know they have heart disease till after they have dropped dead from a heart attack. Sorry but that moment is just a little too late for me. I don't wanna realize that I should have changed what I ate the moment I am passing from this life into Heaven. YES I said change what I ate..cause the only diet that works is eating healthy and EXERCISING....even if you have gastric bypass,banding,stomach stapling,or the sleeve you will have to watch what you eat and exercise. There is no way around it. You will have to eat healthy and exercise.

I have trouble staying motivated...
I personally feel like finding out what will truly make you happy will help keep you motivated b/c losing weight is hard...it is very hard. My number one motivator is my health. I have 3 children. One of them has a metabolic disorder. I have been the one that has taken her to the hospital every time(except once when I was in the hospital myself and my dad had to take her). I know ALL her medical history and what she needs in an emergency. I have protect her from anything happening to her. So I need to be in the best condition I can be in. You need to find what motivates you and be reminded of that daily.
You will need a support system. This is huge. You need to be encouraged but you also need someone to answer to. You NEED someone who will kick your butt till you get back on the bandwagon. The scale is your friend...I know you don't wanna hear that. We don't want the honest of what we have actually became. But a scale will help keep you honest. If you don't have a scale,a tape measure will also keep you honest.

Wake up America...
America is one of the fattest countries! I wish America would wake up and realize how unhealthy we are and also our children. We have accepted that it is okay to be overweight b/c no one wants to be responsible for what they eat. It is sad to see kids that are so overweight. I don't think they have bad parents...just parents who have confused food with happiness. Parent's need to STOP feeding their kids convenience foods(fast food,microwave foods,frozen chicken nuggets,frozen pizzas,french fries..I think you get the point). These foods are KILLING our kids. We also need to stand up and tell schools that they need to STOP feeding our kids these foods also. Public school lunches are horrible for kids. Parent's need to stand up and say no more!!! It is cheaper for my child to eat at school but the food is horrible for her. This needs to be changed!!

The purpose of food...
Food is meant to fuel your body. The sole purpose of food is to give your body the energy it needs to do the things you require of it. I personally think if I can disassociate my emotional connection to food, and view it as a catalyst to get what I need from it I will be that much better off.