To see oneself for who you truly are...that is the beauty

I think there comes a point in time that you begin to realize who you truly are...the good...the bad..the misunderstood...it can be so confusing at times but yet freeing but yet paralyzingly scary. It makes you want to run and hide when you are, finally,raw with yourself...no excuses...no doubting...no negative talk...or maybe just maybe your just honest, with yourself, for once. It feels as if everything has been stripped away. Your sitting in the corner of your mind...in the fetal position waiting for the storm to pass because your so frightened people will finally see you for who you really are. They will see the lies, the pain, the hurt, the scars...but mostly they will see you. They will see you in the flesh...stripped down to the bones of your soul and you wonder...no your terrified that they will walk away.

I ponder if this fear(or all the things I fear)is why I am here...scared to step on a machine to tell me that once again I failed. I failed at so many things in life that I think that is where I feel the most comfortable. It pisses me off that I find solace in failure. I sit here with tears rolling down my face because this revelation pisses me off...and at the same time motivates me.  I'm mad at myself because I know what I'm doing is making me sicker and sicker. Everyday I wake up in pain...I spend the day in pain...I fall asleep in pain...not emotional pain but physical pain.  I think the only person who truly knows how much physical pain I am in is Sean. I know what the reason maybe for the pain...or reasons but I have chosen to ignore it.

The stress of my life is incredible...most would be an emotional mess...but to be honest there's no time to fall apart..not to say I don't cry or haven't cried about it but I know that at the end of the day it will still be this incredibly stressful life..nothing will have changed so I CHOOSE to see the beauty in it. So today I am choosing not to fail...I'm choosing to stop eating gluten for 2 weeks to see if my stomach heals and my body stops hurting 24/7. I want to blog everyday about this to see if I notice a   difference. I took a questionnaire about gluten sensitivity and I had all but the one symptom...depression. I honestly don't believe my pain comes from depression or anxiety....I believe that the  pain in my stomach and the pain in my joints/muscles are due to IBS/Fibromyalgia which is caused   by this gluten sensitivity...I want to feel like I'm 33 not 73 and I'm hoping not eating gluten will help that.